Something's Gotta Give...

It is 1:21am, and I am just settling in to my last piece of homework for the night. My body is letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that I am not 19 anymore.

Earlier, on my way home from a class discussion group, I was seized by the desire to quit. Now, I'm something of a career quitter, but at that moment in the car, I've never wanted to quit so badly in my life. Quit school, quit my job, quit church, quit relationships and, like Hotblack Desiato in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, "spend a year dead for tax reasons."

Heather's referral to this blog as a resource on holding the tensions is a huge compliment, but what do you do when the tensions have you feeling like the waistband on a twenty-year-old pair of boxers -- all stretched out?

Once, just once, for the sake of variety if nothing else, I wish God would call me to something possible. Manageable, even.

Fortunately, He loves me too much.

When everything you're doing is needful, maybe it's not so much someTHING that has to give, but SomeONE. And He does. I actually have energy for homework right now, and I KNOW that ain't about me. Impossibility breeds dependence, and dependence is a funny sort of freedom.

A few years ago, I was meditating and listening to worship music when a Vineyard song came on that repeated the line "Every good and perfect gift comes from You." I remember weeping in gratitude. Our God gives and gives and gives so much... so often... so freely.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord! Deo Gratias. Amen.