Overstirred and Overstimulated
Can someone please teach me how to hold the tensions?
I have two distance-ed classes I need to get through. I have at least four poems, two personal essays, and a short story that are crammed like children in a playpen inside of my head, pushing and shoving one another to be the first to get out on paper. I have hurts and thoughts and feelings about several situations in widely disparate communities that I need to express and resolve. My To-Do List is a mile and a half long.
I'm relatively happy, don't get me wrong. I'm in a good mood. I love life, even though it's been a little warm out lately. I just feel like my will is crippled, like there are casts on both my psychic legs and even the simplest progress requires a ton of work. I'm a blogger, I'm majoring in English Writing and Literature, and yet more and more I find myself aspiring to wordlessness. I catch myself wandering through the hallways of my soul, peeping into old rooms that haven't been touched in years and noticing all the little knicknacks and reminders of days gone by.
These are good things. I think we all need to take some time to be still, to meander and rest and remember. But I haven't managed to find a way to structure these things; to integrate them in such a way that my inward life gets fed and watered without my outward life falling into chaos. The picture in my head is of a large kettle of water and I'm stirring it so fast that a whirlpool forms and then I reverse the direction of my stirring and the water gets all choppy and splashes everywhere.
I appeal to the collective wisdom of blogland. Has anyone figured this out? Even if the answer is no, that will bring some comfort. And don't hesitate to point it out if I'm being ridiculous...
I have two distance-ed classes I need to get through. I have at least four poems, two personal essays, and a short story that are crammed like children in a playpen inside of my head, pushing and shoving one another to be the first to get out on paper. I have hurts and thoughts and feelings about several situations in widely disparate communities that I need to express and resolve. My To-Do List is a mile and a half long.
I'm relatively happy, don't get me wrong. I'm in a good mood. I love life, even though it's been a little warm out lately. I just feel like my will is crippled, like there are casts on both my psychic legs and even the simplest progress requires a ton of work. I'm a blogger, I'm majoring in English Writing and Literature, and yet more and more I find myself aspiring to wordlessness. I catch myself wandering through the hallways of my soul, peeping into old rooms that haven't been touched in years and noticing all the little knicknacks and reminders of days gone by.
These are good things. I think we all need to take some time to be still, to meander and rest and remember. But I haven't managed to find a way to structure these things; to integrate them in such a way that my inward life gets fed and watered without my outward life falling into chaos. The picture in my head is of a large kettle of water and I'm stirring it so fast that a whirlpool forms and then I reverse the direction of my stirring and the water gets all choppy and splashes everywhere.
I appeal to the collective wisdom of blogland. Has anyone figured this out? Even if the answer is no, that will bring some comfort. And don't hesitate to point it out if I'm being ridiculous...
posted by jeffmacsimus @ 3:20 PM
9 Comments:
At 6:47 PM,
Grandma and Grandpa Benson said…
You give words to my experience . . . and I don't feel so alone . . .
and now . . . I have words as well . . .
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey bud,
I wish I had the talent to be placed in such a predicament! What comes to mind is to do something, anything, that is outside of your comfort zone. That way your energy will be refocused and you will, most likely, return with inspiration. At worst, you will have the wisdom of never attempting it again!
Best of luck, mate!
At 11:38 AM,
Judith Hougen said…
Maybe you figure it out by not trying too hard to figure it out. Are you perhaps trying to control aspects of what's happening to you? I'm big on just holding the tensions. When things get crazy etc., I remember something Jan shared about living a lectio divina life through participating in these four elements: show up, pay attention, tell the truth, love deeply. I encourage you to go back to basics and begin from there.
P.S. Sometimes the fields of words need to go fallow for a while. As writers it scares us, but we must trust the gift God has given us is still there, hidden with Christ, waiting for the time of new ripeness. Blessings to you, Jeff.
At 4:23 PM,
Jaime G said…
I am wondering if maybe entering the place of silence will not actually build within you and bring forth what is needed to fully write what is tugging at you.
In terms of the to do list. Is this an invitation to a new level of trust? Maybe ask God to hold the chaos for you? Maybe for awhile, ask, "what do I see that I can do?" or "what is my duty right now?" or something like that.
Just some wonderings...
At 4:39 PM,
matthew troy said…
Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing.
I am less then pure, then.
At 8:07 AM,
Sapphire Eagle © said…
'Good grief,' said Charlie Brown said, in his Parables of Peanuts, it is a great book, gawsh, I wish my visitors would write so beautifully on my site instead I get lost souls like Satan and some other strange blogging inhabitants! ha ha ha... your words flow like a gentle stream in my mind, easy on the brain but a place I recognise in myself!
At 7:59 PM,
gloria said…
seems like paradox that as I move toward rest and listening silence that so much of my life gets stirred up. What in the heck is going on here? I want to be serene... but what a joke!... I'm the antithesis of serene... at least most of the time. It seems the whirlwind has entered into the "old rooms" and all my knicknacks have been upset.
At 5:38 PM,
Tonya said…
This is great! I love it that all of us know exactly what it feels like to be 'here.' I agree with several others...entering the silence takes more courage than continuing to juggle the rest, but with rest comes refreshment and new perspective and maybe, perhaps, a new mission?
At 5:39 PM,
Mandy said…
I was laughing to myself as I read your post, mostly because I clicked the "Comments" link to see if anyone had left a note filled with great wisdom and a simple answer to your wonderings (because I wonder the same).
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