OhButILoveIt

Yeah, yeah, I haven't been here in a while. I'm trying to decide what to do with this space. I first started blogging to keep a "slovenly, honest, bold" journal of what's going on in my life, but there's always this felt ego-self pressure to SAY SOMETHING (All caps intended) -- there's a bizarre awarness of WHO's reading this and a need to say something thought provoking or deep or interesting or funny or enlightened. Well, no more, folks. No more promises to blog every day, though I'll try. No more forcing it. No more poses. And as soon as I say those things, I know they are LIES, damned lies. But they're what I want. How does that work? It's like I was telling Heather yesterday that I want to have a heart that God trusts. And as soon as I said it, I teared up because I became so aware of how true that is in sentiment, but how empty it sounds in light of my actions and behavior, how little time I spend consciously pursuing that. I'm really uncomfortable with my finite-ness sometimes. My soul longs for depth and wideness that my body just can't handle... and maybe my soul can't handle it either. No more than brief flashes of the Deep Structure. Maybe all the finite-ness is just to train us for infinity. None of this makes any sense on the screen, but it's what's in me and it's what came out.

So there. :-P